Psychologist Nik Kinley has spent over 30 years assessing and coaching people in their most demanding moments, from prisoners, politicians and royalty to the CEOs of global banks and heads of national security.
His latest of eight books is The Power Trap: How Leadership Changes People and What to Do About It.
You know the moment.
Someone says something, you feel it land, and because you’re reasonable, you try to talk yourself down. They probably didn’t mean it that way. But it doesn’t work, so you sit there losing your grip on being reasonable while the meeting carries on without you.
There’s a reason for that, and it has little to do with how good you are at this. Because managing your emotions is less about how good or not you are at this skill, and more about reaching for the right technique that fits the situation. Two questions tell you what to do.
How intense does this feel, out of ten? And how much is the cause of it in your control, or something you can change?
Intensity tells you when to act. As a rule of thumb, above about seven and you won’t be able to think your way out, because the feeling is just too strong. So, buy time first. Leave for two minutes, switch to another task, or try cyclic sighing: slowing your breathing and lengthening the exhale.
Controllability tells you what to do next. If you can change the cause, do so. If you can’t, then reframe it. That means asking yourself, does this really matter? What else could it mean? And what would X say if this were happening to them? Note that the third question is the one that often works best.
The thing to be careful of, and the reason the questions are so important, is that studies show that when you try to reframe something that is in your control, you often end up feeling worse.
And importantly, whatever you do, test it. Ask someone who was there what the room felt like. Because feedback is how you can really know what your impact was, and then adjust it.
