“Maybe I’m overreacting,” she said. “She’s just difficult, right? We all have to deal with people like that.”
That’s what one of my clients told me after months of enduring a colleague who routinely undermined her in meetings, ignored her messages, and consistently took jabs at her performance. Because it wasn’t ‘bad enough’ – on paper – to escalate, she endured; but it was draining her emotionally. Her confidence started to erode. She began double-checking her work, hesitating to speak up, even dreading going into the office.
This is the thing about toxic dynamics at work: they’re often subtle. They don’t always show up as overt bullying or blowouts. More often, they look like ‘difficult personalities,’ ‘office politics,’ or ‘just how it is.’ When left unaddressed, these dynamics can do real damage to your wellbeing, your confidence, and your career.
If you’re dealing with a toxic colleague and wondering how to navigate it without losing your cool (or yourself), here are some strategies to protect your peace – and power.
Acknowledge what’s happening
The first step is to stop gaslighting yourself. You’re not imagining this.
Toxic behavior can look like sabotage, exclusion, passive-aggressive remarks, or even strategic silence. And it’s easy to downplay it, especially if you’ve been socialized to avoid conflict, keep the peace, or be ‘the bigger person’.
Giving yourself permission to name what you’re experiencing is powerful. Whether it’s undermining, microaggressions, or chronic boundary violations, it’s both real and not okay.
Ask yourself: What patterns am I noticing? How do I feel after interactions with this person? Is this behavior consistent, targeted, or affecting my ability to thrive?
Protect your boundaries like your energy depends on it (it does)
Toxic colleagues thrive on blurred boundaries. They bait you into overexplaining and justifying yourself. They hijack your time with “just a quick favor.” They cross lines – and count on your good manners to not push back. All this drains your energy. Reclaiming it starts with drawing a clear line around what is (and isn’t) okay.
This might sound like:
- “I’m not available for that right now.”
- “Let’s keep the conversation focused on the project.”
- “I prefer to communicate over email for clarity.”
You don’t need to explain, justify, or apologize for protecting your boundaries.
Stop taking their behaviour personally
Here’s a truth I return to often with clients: someone else’s toxicity is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their own unhealed stuff. When we internalize someone’s bad behavior, we start to do everything we can to avoid triggering it. We shrink. We over-function. We fall into people-pleasing to keep the peace.
Don’t take it personally. It’s just information. Their behaviour tells you something about them, not about you.
Document everything
Keeping a record of problematic interactions is a smart strategy and can be empowering – even if you never have to use it to escalate formally. It creates a sense of structure and objectivity in a situation designed to make you question your reality.
Start a private log. Record dates, behaviors, context, and any witnesses. Stick to facts. This is not about taking revenge, but about protecting yourself if patterns persist and you choose to involve HR or leadership. Even more importantly, keeping track and seeing things in black and white helps you stop second-guessing yourself.
Find your allies
Toxic people often operate in the shadows. One way they maintain power is by isolating their targets. That’s why finding allies who see what’s happening and can validate your experience is crucial. You don’t need to make it a team-wide issue. But confiding in a trusted peer, mentor, or coach can help you stay grounded and sane. Sometimes, you just need to hear someone say, “You’re not crazy, that behaviour is not okay.”
Know when to escalate, and when to exit
If the behaviour crosses ethical or professional lines, or if it’s impacting your performance or mental health, it may be time to escalate. That might mean a conversation with your manager, HR, or someone in a position to intervene constructively. If you’ve tried setting boundaries, speaking up, and seeking support and nothing changes, it’s also okay to consider walking away. Sometimes, that’s the most powerful choice you can make.
You don’t have to prove your strength by enduring harm. You don’t have to stay silent. You don’t have to stay stuck. And you definitely don’t have to stay small. Your energy is your greatest asset. Protect it like your career and your wellbeing depend on it. Because they do.
